oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
this must be what syphilis tastes like
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
