im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
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