Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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