I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
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