we made out on top of his cat.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
