its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Randomize
