I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
