my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
