sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
