Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
