ya dads aren't the best wingmen
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
