96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Randomize
