Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
tell your sister to shave her snatch
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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