she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
