You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
