her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
