I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
