you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
