Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
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