my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
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