why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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