I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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