too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
