I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
