I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
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