He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
