my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
