Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
