theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Randomize
