I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
