I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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