is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Randomize
