I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
Randomize
