i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
