my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
No stitches, just platelets and will power
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
