what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
Randomize
