I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
Randomize
