im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
sex in a hospital.. check
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
