apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Randomize
