Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
