So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
