He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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