Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
