I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
