Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
When are your genitals available?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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