some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
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