No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
