In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
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