I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
