Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
